


French Military Victories

by Ysabetwordsmith



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton, Schrodinger's Heroes
Genre: Asexuality, Clue What Clue?, Communication, Communication Failure, Dysfunctional Relationships, Family, Favors, Français | French, Humor, Multi, Polyamory, Vampires, Your lack of planning does not constitute my problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 07:04:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quinn's former master, Jean-Claude, wants permission to land a jet on the Teferact's airstrip. Quinn is not at all enthused by this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Answer Is No

**Author's Note:**

> _Schrodinger's Heroes_ is an apocryphal television show about quantum physics and saving the world, set just outside of Waxahachie, Texas in the repurposed [Superconducting Supercollider](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1738648.html). This lends it very well [to crossovers](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1763754.html). You'll find it helpful to know [the main characters](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1742427.html) and you can also browse the [menu post](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1752525.html).
> 
> Here is a podcast script crossover with the _Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter_ series. Quinn, a member of the Schrodinger team, is a vampire of Belle Morte's line. Earlier [fanon notes](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1754300.html) mentioned the tendency to write him as a vampire due to a t-shirt saying, "The sun is trying to kill me."

[ _Pat and Quinn are in Pat's office, where Pat is working on his computer. Quinn's cell phone rings, the ringtone playing "Cold, Cold Toronto."_ ]

Quinn: "Bonjour. Quinn here."

Jean-Claude: "Bonjour, mon ami."

Quinn: "No."

Jean-Claude: "I beg your pardon? I have not even asked you a question yet, Quinn."

Quinn: "You never call unless you want something from me. Whatever you're about to ask, the answer is NO."

Jean-Claude: [ _Heavy sigh_.] Very well then. I formally request your permission to land my jet on your airstrip."

Quinn: "No. A barren, sandy mountain of NO with cacti sprouting from the top."

Jean-Claude: "Quinn, childe of my making, be reasonable. There is a metaphysical emergency which we are trying very hard to avert."

Quinn: "I so don't care. I left St. Louis so I wouldn't have to care about your crisis-to-crisis lifestyle any more. You may be my old master, but that doesn't give you the right to swan into my life and ruin everything I've managed to make of it."

Jean-Claude: "Truly, Quinn, we would but touch down and be about our business--"

Quinn: "No, you wouldn't. You'd touch down and make a pass at the first female you laid eyes on, which would be Kay, who would probably shoot you on principle."

Jean-Claude: "We will bring with us our bodyguards."

Quinn: "No, you won't, because you aren't coming. And assuming you got past Kay, you would then make a pass at Alex, which would distract her from whatever quantum physical business she might be trying to manage at the time. Your petty little problems won't matter much if the manifold implodes."

Jean-Claude: "Are you still speaking English?"


	2. Asexuality and the Incubus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean-Claude does not understand asexuality. At all.

Quinn: "Oh yes. Then your people would wind up poking around, because they're nosy unmannerly Americans for the most part, and that would piss off Ash, who is our tech support. You do not want to piss off Ash. So of course, you would make a pass at her too, which would piss her off because Ash is asexual."

Jean-Claude: "Oh, come now. Everyone enjoys sex -- especially with a vampire of our line. If the woman is not madly in love with you, then you must be doing something wrong. Merely allow me to come for a visit and I will gladly show you how such things are to be done."

Quinn: "Jean-Claude. Mon ami. We have HAD this conversation before. Ash is ASEXUAL. She is not interested in kissing, fondling, groping, petting, licking, biting, sucking, or fucking ANYONE. Ever. At all. It is like --"

Jean-Claude: "Like the amoeba, yes yes, I have heard it before."

Quinn: "NO, she is NOT an amoeba, or a snail, or a jellyfish, or God help us, a coffee table! Ash is a PERSON who happens not to be interested in you. Get that through your thick head."

Jean-Claude: "I regret my prior remark about the coffee table. It was ill-done of me to say such a thing. I was merely shocked by what you were saying. It makes no kind of sense."

Quinn: "Well, it makes sense to Ash, who handles our electronic security, and believe me if you piss her off she will wipe the entire programming from your jet and then you'd be STUCK here. Which is so not happening because you are not coming into any territory of mine ever again."

Jean-Claude: "Our security is quite good. Do not dismiss it so readily."

Quinn: [ _Laughs_.] "Jean-Claude, I have seen your security. I wouldn't trust it to secure my liquor cabinet. Hell, I wouldn't trust it to secure ALEX'S liquor cabinet, which I break into regularly."

Jean-Claude: "If it is alcohol you wish, mon ami, you have only to say so. I will bring you a case of the finest wine in exchange for the use of your airstrip. The matter really is quite urgent."

Quinn: "Sure it is. Something in your life is always on fire, and not in a good way."


	3. Communication Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean-Claude explains the current crisis behind his intended trip. Quinn expresses further disgust for the mess that is Jean-Claude's unlife.

Jean-Claude: "Quinn, please, be serious. The Master of the City of San Francisco has asked us to help with a sorcerer who is summoning leccubi, and we need to stop over and pick up some ... additional personnel from your area."

Quinn: [ _Laughs_.] "San Francisco has a problem with sex demons? Oh, I can't wait to hear how THIS turns out."

Jean-Claude: "It is no laughing matter! Quinn, they may ravage the entire city if we do not get there in time to stop the next ritual--"

Quinn: [ _Howls with laughter, drops phone with a clunk_.]

Jean-Claude: "Quinn? QUINN? Answer me, you disobedient childe!"

Quinn: "Sorry, sorry, I dropped the phone. Don't worry about San Francisco. It's covered. That's Dusty's stomping ground, you know, the lesbian mercenary I mentioned a while back? Her team is probably on that case already, but I'll give them a heads up just to make sure."

Jean-Claude: "There must be something I can say to convince you. It will only be myself, and Asher, and ma petite, and the bodyguards and some extra food--"

Quinn: "And a partridge in a pear tree."

Jean-Claude: "Just one little visit. I have already promised ma petite that I would arrange a landing in your area. She will not be pleased if I am unable."

Quinn: "Yes, I've heard all about your communication problems."

Jean-Claude: "We do not have communication problems!"

Quinn: "So that rumor about the third member of your triumvirate dumping you and moving to Tennessee was just a rumor?"

Jean-Claude: "Well, Richard did leave, but he came back! Just because we had a little misunderstanding doesn't mean we have trouble communicating. We talk all the time."

Quinn: "I'll just bet you do."

Jean-Claude: "Jealous, mon ami? If you let us land the jet, I will offer you hospitality. You may choose from anyone wearing a red shirt."

Quinn: "God, no! I don't need you to set me up, Jean-Claude. I have a perfectly happy arrangement of my own!"

Jean-Claude: "No arrangement is ever perfectly happy."

Quinn: "Well, not everyone's love life is as fucked up as yours, either!" [ _Hangs up, throws phone to clatter against the wall_.]


	4. Why I Left St. Louis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn and Pat discuss the aftermath of the conversation with Jean-Claude.

Pat: "Bailey doesn't appreciate you chucking your phone across the room whenever you get upset; it makes extra repair work for him. Is there a problem, Quinn?"

Quinn: "I hate that man. I really do. This is why I left St. Louis. Every time words come out of his mouth, I can feel my penis trying to murder my brain cells one at a time."

Pat: "Well, not everyone has the people skills to make polyamory work."

Quinn: "Jean-Claude seems to think everyone does, or at least, everyone in our line of vampires. I don't think he even knows anyone in an exclusive relationship in his entire territory."

Pat: "I'm sure there must be someone sensible in the St. Louis area."

Quinn: "No, really! Anyone who comes in monogamous -- or even monosexual -- seems to get driven away or sucked into the maelstrom of metaphysical sex and disaster. It's like a plague or something. And then nobody wants to talk about it, they just fight all the time."

Pat: "No wonder you moved way out here."

Quinn: "Yes. Can you imagine what Alex would do if we had a lover's spat in the middle of an invasion, right in front of the bad guys? Or worse -- what Ash would do!" 

Pat: "I shudder to think."

Quinn: "It's hard to believe that Belle Morte's line can be so STUPID about love."

Pat: "Well, leave Jean-Claude's problems and misconceptions in Missouri. He's a bit clueless, is all. Just because your vampire powers deal with lust and sex doesn't mean you know anything about love, let alone advanced communication practices."

Quinn: "Mmm, I'd like to advance my communication with you." [ _Kisses Pat noisily_.]

Pat: "Speaking of which, Toby complained about not being bitten recently, and that could cause some tension if we don't work it out."

Quinn: "Then let's go home early and take care of that. You know how important our family is to me."

Pat: "I know. I'll tell Alex."

Quinn: "What are you going to tell her?"

Pat: "That you just fended off an invasion of vampires and now we need some family time."

Quinn: "You know this sort of thing is why I love you, right?" [ _Kisses Pat again. Sound of door opening and closing_.]

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a joke based on some of the famous French military defeats, and a reference to the flaming chaos that is Jean-Claude's love life.
> 
> "[Cold, Cold Toronto](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq_NIoaYg0Y)" is listed among the [best songs about Canada](http://correresmidestino.com/five-great-songs-about-canada/), Quinn's birthplace.


End file.
